The Jay Mohr Hater
sat Indian-style on the floor of his bedroom in his parents'
Brooklyn home. He stared up at his Sirius Satellite Radio
unit, as if it were a television, listening to Howard Stern.
He loved listening to Howard on his radio that his parents'
bought him for his forty-sixth birthday. Dick lived a happy
life: listening to Howard, petting his dog Sniffles, browsing
MySpace and working three or four nights a week at Burger
sat with a big smile, Dick wore an XXL Slayer T-shirt, which
still acted as a belly shirt on him, denim shorts and a Pete
Rose haircut. There was a knock at the door. Dick, upset at
being interrupted, shouted, "Who is it?"
door opened and Dick's mother stuck her head in. She was
holding a plate of Bagel Bites. "Sweetie," she said.
"Would you like a snack?"
Mom!" Dick yelled. "I'm listening to Howard. Don't
you want me to bring these back when your little show is
Mom," Dick said. "Leave 'em on my bed."
mother placed the dish on the bed and exited quietly, while
Dick continued his listening. He soon stood up, unable to
resist the little pizza bagels. He carried the plate to his
computer and logged onto his MySpace account. He loved MySpace.
He had so many friends, more than he ever imagined he could
have. Most of his friends were from the various Howard Stern
groups he was in, and he loved discussing that day's show with
his favorite group, "King Howard."
Dick logged on he posted on two threads in the group: one
about how funny the three stripper segments of the show were
that morning, the other about George Takei, Sulu on Star
Trek, one of Dick's favorite shows, and a frequent guest
on Howard Stern's program. The consensus was that the guests
were great. Dick then started his own thread about his
favorite comedian and favorite guest on the show, Andrew
"Dice" Clay. Then he went to the bathroom, as Bagel
Bites after listening to Howard often excited him and upset
minutes later Dick returned to his computer, refreshed the
Howard Stern group page and realized he wasn't finished going
to the bathroom after he made a considerable mess in his
pants. So he took his shorts and underwear off and hid them
under his bed, cleaned himself a bit, and put on some
sweatpants. Now he was ready to discuss Howard with the four
thousand members of the King Howard group.
immediately saw a name he hadn't seen before. It was someone
named "Good Luck, Bro," and he had posted three
times. Dick became especially excited at a new member and
clicked on one of his posts. What he read made him angry and
were all very mean posts, he thought, about Howard being old
and "a hack," and about how Dice hasn't been funny
since 1990, and even then he stole from other comics. Dick
didn't even read the last post. He fell onto his bed and
started crying. How could anyone say this? Especially in a
Dick composed himself he went into "Good Luck,
Bro's" profile and found out that this person didn't like
Howard at all. In fact, this guy was an Opie and Anthony fan.
Dick knew Opie and Anthony mostly from Howard mentioning them
and saying they were imitators of his style of radio. He knew
they were on XM, the other satellite radio company.
was angry, really angry. So angry that he spoke out loud,
"These guys are just wannabees." Then he replied to
the post by typing, "What r u doin in a Stern group,
porky? Why don't you put down the Hoho's and listen to those 2
Howard clones? ps your fat"
the person who Dick was responding to wasn't fat according to
his photo, Dick enjoyed this method of attack. Dick didn't
have a photo of himself in his profile for fear of people
making fun of him. Calling people "porky" was
payback for years of torment.
the coming days, Dick dealt with "Good Luck, Bro"
and one or two other intruders to his group. They wouldn't go
away; they just kept bashing Howard and calling Dick a loser
while correcting his spelling and punctuation errors. Dick,
feeling fat and stupid, just typed more "porky"
less than coincidentally, Opie and Anthony, in addition to
already being on XM, soon started broadcasting on FM radio in
numerous markets, including New York. So, during commercial
breaks on Howard's show, Dick listened to "the two
clones" in order to prepare for his next attack. He
gathered plenty of information, he thought. They had Bill
Donahue of the Catholic League and longtime Stern rival Don
Imus on their show. Then they had a comedian on who Dick
remembered hearing Howard trash once, Jay Mohr. Dick wrote
that these three jerks compared to George Takei and a midget
in a wheelchair was no comparison.
logged onto MySpace and posted his findings, but he found the
Opie and Anthony fans, "Pests," he found out they
were called, were relentless. No matter what he typed about
Opie, Anthony, Imus or Mohr, they kept attacking. And they
attacked the characters he loved on Howard's show. They called
him stupid for questioning why Donahue was on the show, told
him Imus was doing the shock jock thing long before Stern, and
said Jay Mohr was funnier than anyone Stern has on his show.
the Pests tactics angered Dick, he also thought it was kind of
cool. It was like pro wrestling, an invasion of a group of a
rival show. So Dick decided he needed to step it up a notch.
He created a brand new profile, called himself "Jay Mohr
Sucks," and searched MySpace for Opie and Anthony groups
to join. He made a theatrical entrance, typing, "Hickory
Dickory Dock…" in the subject line and calling everyone
"pork chop" and "sausage tits." Dick had
quite a thing for pork products.
the days following, Dick tried to make his case for Howard
being "The King," and that Opie and Anthony wanted
to be famous like him and that's why they "sold out"
to FM. Funny thing was, whenever a Pest would respond in
defense, Dick's reply was always something like "you has
sausage tits," and that Jay Mohr looked like Eric Stoltz
in the movie Mask.
more time passed, Dick was listening to Opie and Anthony more
and more, and, to his shock, he started to enjoy them. He
waited for the replay of Howard on Sirius in favor of hearing
O&A in the morning. He went weeks without going on any
MySpace O&A groups, not wanting to admit to them that he
was now an Opie and Anthony fan.
finally entered the group it was in complete denial, still
bashing Opie and Anthony and still calling everyone
"porky." But what he noticed was that there was
another Howard Stern fan in the group, a nineteen-year-old
woman named "Weary Rapscallion." She lived in
Pennsylvania and Dick thought she was quite pretty. For a
girl. He requested her friendship and she accepted.
they were IM'ing each other about how great Howard was and how
every other deejay was ripping him off. It was when they
admitted to each other that they both also listened to Opie
and Anthony that they decided they had to meet. Miss Weary
didn't know what Dick looked like or if he was really a
hundred years old, as his profile said, but she invited him
down to her apartment one summer weekend.
took a bus to Philadelphia, excited that he may finally get to
kiss a girl. When he arrived, Miss Weary opened the front
door, saw Dick, and literally vomited all over him. Dick began
crying, as he does, and ran down the street until he found a
moped around his parents' house for two months, unable to even
listen to O&A or Stern. He was so depressed that his
parents made a doctor's appointment for him, and he was
prescribed Prozac and was told to get a physical. A week after
Dick's physical, his doctor called him and told him he had
you had any unprotected sex recently, Dick?" the doctor
sort of bodily fluids enter into your system? Blood
girl puked on me."
that would do it."
can get AIDS from puke?"
Dick. Yes, you can."
Dick found his father's gun and shot himself to death.